Torn's Bad Day 3: The Stage Play
by vasillis-childe
Summary: Torn has another bad day. Beware the SURPRISE warning! Is it Yaoi? Is it Yuri? It is something completely different? You wont know till you read it!


Dramatis Personae:

**Torn**, a former member of Baron Praxis' Krimson Guard

**Queen Tess**, the Queen of Haven City

**Jak**, a boy from the country

**Keira**, **Jak's** childhood friend and would be lover

**Daxter**, an Ottsel. **Jak's** best friend.

**Samos**, a Green Eco Sage

**Ashelin**, Commander of the Krimson Guard, confidant to **Keira**, Dominatrix.

**Praxis**, previous Baron of Haven City

**Baron Damas**, previous, previous Baron of Haven City

**Larsh**, mad scientist. Stoner. Part time doctor.

_Act One, Scene One_

_Science lab. 5 years previously._

_(Enter Damas, Praxis, Larsh stage right)_

Damas: How goes the commander?

Larsh: It's all good, man. His body is reacting quite well to the implant. There have been some completely whacked out side effects, though…

Damas: I'm sorry… wasn't he in for…?

Larsh: Like, the subjects body has forced the implant into early dormancy. We've kinda got around this by setting small green eco charges inside his abdomen, near the implant. As soon as the activation signal is given via the control panel on your throne, the implant will begin to gestate.

Damas: What implant? What do you mean activated…

Praxis: _(laughs nervously_) Haha… I'm sure Larsh means to say that the Commander's arm is healing quite well and he'll be back to work very soon. I'm certain that our respected scientist didn't mean to say anything about anyone attempting to breed a new generation of super-soldiers from the current elite of the Guard. Moreover, I'm certain that said scientist also did not mention anything about my attempted coup attempt using said super-soldiers. Right, Larsh?

Larsh: _(rummaging around on his desk_) Um. Yeah. Did you bring me the chips I wanted? I thought I had a pizza around here and I'm kinda peckish…

Dams: Praxis… is there something you want to tell me? No… I don't want to know. Larsh, just get the commander back on his feet and back to active duty, as soon as possible. Understood?

Larsh: Man… you gotta chill… your little spiky head things are starting to wobble

Damas: (_growls and exits, stage right_)

Praxis: Which button on the throne was it, exactly?

_(Praxis places an arm around Larsh's shoulders and exeunt, stage left)_

_Act Two, Scene One_

_Palace Apartments. Modern Day._

_(Enter Jak and Samos, stage left)_

Samos: So you see, m'boy, wearing a contraceptive device means that there's next to no chance of getting pregnant.

Jak: Next to no chance? But there's still a chance?

Samos: Well… yes, I suppose there is. Don't worry though, Jak, it is only a small chance, and pregnancy is a beautiful thing, not something to fear.

Jak: _(looking doubtful)_ Well… thanks, Samos…

Samos: Don't mention it, Jak. You know I'm always here for information.

_(Exit Jak, stage left. Enter Daxter, stage right)_

Daxter: Hey there, Log in the Head, how're things?

Samos: Did you hear something? Yes… it was the sound of floors not being washed!

Daxter: Whoa there, ol' Twig in the Brain! I was wonderin' if Jak'd caught up with you yet.

Samos: Yes, we had quite a nice talk, thank you very much.

Daxter: And you answered his question about pregnancy, right? He wouldn't believe me when I told him, of course. But coming from ol' Stalk in the Cranium he takes it as gospel, of course!

Samos: I told him many things about pregnancy. Of course he believed me! I am Samos, the great Green Eco Sage!

Daxter: Really? What you say to convince him? I kept tellin' him how it all worked, but he kept sayin' 'back in Sandover there was only one woman, so it has to be the men who get pregnant. Sandover'd die out, otherwise' He was so set on that argument. I gotta say, Tree in the Face, I'm impressed…I didn't think anyone could convince him that its th' wimmin that get pregnant! Well, enjoy yourself, Branch in the Skull!

_(exit Daxter, stage right)_

Samos Well… I suppose it'd keep him out of trouble for now…

_Act Two, Scene Two_

_Ashelin's Bedroom. The same time._

_(Keira is on the bed, doing her nails. Ashelin is repairing her riding crop)_

Ashelin: So, you've finally got him to forget the incident with Torn?

Keira: _(smiling happily)_ Yeah! And he's wiling to give the whole thing another try! He's nervous though, I don't know why…

Ashelin_: (stands up and cracks her crop across one knee)_ That's your problem, Keira, you give men far too much leeway. You should just tie him up and… well… leave the light on. That's a good start. _(Ashelin puts down riding crop and starts to pull on leather thigh-high boots)_ Don't let them get away, I always say.

Keira: Well, that might work for you, but some of us have an image to maintain!

Ashelin_: (pulling on mask_) I can respect that. Can you help me with these corset laces?

Keira: Sure _(starts tugging on laces_) I want my first time to be magical! Perfect! Wonderful!

Ashelin: Yeah… I remember my first time… He was young and handsome; his face was flushed with exertion after trying to get away from me… I was so excited I almost let go of my gun. Precursors know what would have happened then…

Keira: He might have got away?

Ashelin: Don't even joke about it. Anyway, I have a disciplinary committee meeting to go to. Have a good night.

Keira: Thanks, Ashelin. Hugs and kisses!

Ashelin: Uh. Yeah. _(exit Ashelin, stage left)_

_Act Three, Scene One_

_The Throne Room, Early that morning_

_(Torn is standing before the throne of Mar. Queen Tess is sitting on the Throne,_ _pressing buttons on the control panel)_

Queen Tess: I wonder what this one does _(pushes a button, lights flicker on and off_) Ooooooh!

Torn: Your majesty. If you could stop pressing buttons for thirst seconds, there's paperwork that has to be done.

Queen Tess: Um… don't like paperwork. Are you sure I can't just press more buttons until it is time for me to go to bed?

Torn: Quite sure, Queen.

Queen Tess; Can I have some Ottsel time? I've been good.

Torn: No, your majesty. Because you have not been good. You have been quite the opposite.

Queen Tess: (_giggles_) I've been _naughty_, have I?

Torn: (_flinches at the word naughty_) I thought we agreed to never mention that word, Queen Tess: You're no fun anymore. Can I press one more button? Just one?

Torn: (_sighs_) If you must.

Queen Tess: (_squeals_) Yay!

_(Queen Tess presses a button. Torn falls to his knees)_

Queen Tess: Torn? What's the matter?

Torn: (_rises to his feet_) I… I don't know. With your leave, majesty, I think I better go and pay Samos a visit.

Queen Tess: Oh….(_looks crestfallen_) I guess. Come back soon though! I'll be good and then I get Ottsel time, right?

Torn: Of course…

_(exit Torn, clutching at his stomach)_

_Act Three, Scene Two_

_The infirmary, soon afterwards._

_(Samos is running a complicated medical instrument over Torn who is sitting on a table)_

Samos: I… don't know how to tell you this… but I think you might be pregnant…

Torn: (_glares at Samos_) What did you say?

Samos: As unlikely as it is, I suspect you may have a child growing within you!

Torn: I knew there was something up with Ashelin and her stra… What do I do about it, Shadow?

Samos: I… I must confess to uncertainty… I have never seen anything like this before!

Torn: Fine. I have another doctor. I'll get a second opinion. I am _not_ pregnant.

_(Torn glares at Samos and exits, stage left)_

_Act Four, Scene One_

_Larsh's Far Out Medical Centre, soon afterwards._

_(Enter Larsh, stage right. Larsh walks in and begins rummaging around a messy desk)_

Larsh: C'mon desk… don't hold out on me… I know where are some corn chips here…

_(Enter Torn, stage left)_

Torn: Doctor. I need you to debunk an old mans crazy theories. Scan me.

Larsh: Huh?

Torn: Old man Samos says that I'm pregnant. He is obviously wrong.

Larsh: You're… ES01, right? Torn?

Torn: Commander Torn, yes.

Larsh: Okay. You are pregnant then.

Torn: What? That's not possible!

Larsh: Yeah… that is what Damas said, that's why he never pushed that button something about a 'perversion of nature' or some such… I dunno man… I reckon he just didn't have any imagination…

Torn: How… how do you know this?

Larsh: Oh. I put the thing inside you. You see, Praxis wanted to breed a set of super soldiers, so he started growing a clone inside his best men and…

Torn: _(grabs Larsh by throat and holds him above the ground_) Why wasn't I told about this!

Larsh: Oh, that Praxis guy offered me a life supply of… uh… my 'special' medicine to keep my mouth shut. You can't tell me didn't suspect something though…

Torn: Well... Erol threw up every morning… and Rana had a thing about eating pickled eggs with chocolate sauce… What… when did this happen?

Larsh: Do you remember five years ago? You were delivered to me and I implanted the embryo in you.

Torn: (_counting on fingers_) Five years ago… five years… That's when I broke my arm!

Larsh: Yeah… that was it.

Torn: I broke my arm… so you implanted me with a clone.

Larsh: Um… yeah. It's okay... it should grow to term in about…(_Larsh glances at his watch_) thirty minutes.

Torn: Why do I keep coming to you?

Larsh: I'm the only physician in town that works for a Wumpbee and Yakow cheese pizza?

Torn: (_gets up and starts walking off, stage left_) I'm leaving.

Larsh: Commander! Wait!

Torn: _(stops walking_) What is it, doctor?

Larsh: Did you know… did you know that my hands can touch _anything_? Anything but… each other! _(Larsh bursts into giggles_)

_(Torn sighs and exits. Larsh continues giggling until curtains close)_

_Act Four, Scene Two_

_A Corridor in the Palace, later that day_

_(Jak and Daxter are walking along the corridor talking. Enter stage right)_

Daxter: and then I said 'Hey! That is _not_ where you left th' underpants! Ey… wassup, buddy?

Jak: (_sighs_) I dunno. I just don't know about this whole sex thing. Samos tells me that there's almost no chance I'll get pregnant… but I just worry about it.

Daxter: How many times do I hav' t' tell ya! It's her that should be worryin'! Not you!

Jak: That doesn't make any sense, Dax, and you know it. How did Sandover village survive? Everyone popped out of the Bird Lady, perhaps?

Daxter: I give up!

(Enter Torn, stage left at a sprint. Torn, wild eyed, slows when he reaches Jak and Daxter)

Torn: (_holding up a thin plastic strip for Jak and Daxter to see_) See? SEE! It's blue! Blue, not pink! Blue means it's not true!

(Exit Torn, stage right again running)

Daxter: Is it jest me, or is ol' paint face stacking on the pounds? I might go and keep an eye on 'im, he's actin' mighty strange…

(exeunt, stage right)

_Act 5, Scene 1_

_Palace Dining Chambers, that night_

_(Jak and Keira are sitting at a table eating dinner, centre stage. Keira looks happy. Jak is looking very nervous)_

Keira: Not enjoying your soup, Jak?

Jak: Sorry… I'm just a little nervous about tonight.

Keira: (_reaches out one hand and places it on Jak's_) I know. Me too, Jak. You don't have to be nervous, everything will be fine.

Jak: (_blushes_) Yeah… well… heh… you know, until Samos caught up with me earlier this evening I was certain that it was guys who got pregnant after having sex, not girls…

Keira: (_Looks at Jak for a couple of seconds and then starts giggling_) That's not the way it works, silly… Um… are you… are you ready to go?

Jak: (_looks at Keira_) Yeah… yeah I guess I am…

(Enter stage right, Torn. He appears to be a minimum of nine months pregnant and sprinting across the room. He is holding his knife in his right hand. He appears to be attempting to cut open his own stomach, but Daxter is standing on his chest, both hands around Torn's wrist)

Torn: (_screaming) _GET THIS THING OUT OF ME! I CAN FEEL IT GROWING! SWEET PRECURSORS WHY!

(Torn continues running with Daxter trying to prise the knife from his grasp off stage, stage left)

Jak: …

Keira: …

(Jak and Keira stare for some time)

Jak: (_turning to Keira_) I… I don't think this is going to work out. I have to go now.

(Jak gives Keira a chaste hug and exits, stage right. )

Keira: One day, Keira… one day…

(Keira sighs and heads off stage left.)

_(curtains)_

_FIN_


End file.
